Monday, April 9, 2012

Beijing Bitchess

My room has 4 walls. They're great too.
Our family loves loves loves to travel...but not exactly the touristy things. For example, going to Beijing means food food food and shopping...well same for almost everywhere we go. Had to do the major attraction of course - the (not so) Great Wall. I guess we're just bad tourists but bloody hell that was a waste of time and energy. I think it's cool to read about, probably cool to look at from space, but seeing as how I'm not heading up to space anytime soon, really not that incredible. We thought we wasted an afternoon that would have been better spent in the city. We also did the street of bizarre foods that everyone goes to with the scorpions but mom wasn't keen on having me eat street food and honestly everyone says the locals don't eat most of that anyway, it's just a tourist attraction, so that was pretty so-so.

But, some of the cooler things...



  • Gourmet Soy Sauce that costs (yes, this was the cheaper one), ready for it - Fifteen freaking hundred dollars (USD of course). There was a whole shop and they came in the most beautiful bottles! Sadly my parents weren't buying it..neither the sauce nor my not-so-persuasive arguments. Although mom agreed the bottles were totally worth it when you have that kind of money to spend on things like soy sauce. I would totally buy that some day.

AND ICE CREAM
I LOVE SORBETS
  • The most incredible haagen dazs ice cream creations: you have to realize, my current country of residence doesn't have haagen dazs or baskin robbins or any of those lovely parlors. But these really were beautiful! I love ice cream and usually avoid it but just look at em...mmm.



  • A strange food that essentially tasted just like beef in my opinion: Donkey meat 
Sorry, Eeyore

  • The most disgusting-looking, out-there food that (dare I admit it?) actually tasted pretty damn good. It was so unappetizing in appearance I had to close my eyes for the first bite and couldn't eat much even though I liked the flavor cause I kept thinking of what it was...ready for it? Ready, ready? This may be one reason I am single forever but I told myself I'm going to try things...readdddyyy:

Fried Mealworms! I know, but they were crunchy and the flavor was subtle and amazing...
And finally, my two favorite people in Beijing: KICK ASS Asian Michael Jackson (who was doing this not for money so I think for fun..there was a camera and a dude but I still don't quite know why this was happening):


And and the thought provoking Constantly-Nodding-Without-Music Cab Driver.


Besides this there was the constant Peking Duck (HEAVENNNNNNN) and fresh fish (AAAAAH) and an absurd number of shoes. All in all, a fantastic first trip to china!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Muffin MADNESS

So I have been extremely, undeniably and inexplicably lazy about blogging - which is weird since I started this so I would have something to do and it's not like the activity level in my life has suddenly gone up...anyway, the wedding was amazing etc etc and more importantly I made the the best muffins. No seriously, they are legen...wait for it....dairy. Yeah I've been watching a lot of HIMYM lately (dairy...muffins..see what I did there?) Mommy's diabetic and loves sweet things so she loves the citrus-berry walnut muffins and I just made my first batch of Bacon-cheese (yeah, only Bacon deserves to be capitalized totally done on purpose) muffins! Delectable.
Also been making a bunch of pies and my apple pie, which first made over summer, is pretty fantastic as is the lemon tart I tried earlier this week. Apple pie and ice cream oh dear lord is probably one of my favorite sweet things in the world. And as mentioned before, I usually lean towards savory, but goddam ice cream is a weakness and with a good apple pie - Ooh La La. This is that pie. Anywho for a dinner party this weekend I'm making those so those will have their own post and OH I make amazing pizza which shall also be made this weekend as a little appetizer. I'm in a very good place self-confidence-wise these days, can ya tell? What can I say, there's a reason my two recipe documents are labeled The Bakinator and Mongolia's Next Top Chef. Yeah, that's right. Most recipes deemed worthy of writing down begin with Bombass: Bombass Apple Pie, Bombass Lemon Tart, you get the idea.
So, check out my Bombass muffinzzzzzz!
Unbaked sugarfree lemon berry walnut muffins 


I need to come up with a name for these: sugarfree lemon berry walnut muffins is quite a mouthful (see what I did there? haha)

MMMM


Choc Chip Muffin Batter


BACON CHEESE OHMYGOD 
i love me (although my body may not feel quite the same way)
Whatever, my body can hate me cause my tastebuds don't give a rat's ass. So so so effing good.


BUTTERMILK MUFFINS
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup splenda
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
Zest of one lemon and a little of an orange
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 cup buttermilk (1cup milk + 1 tbsp white vinegar – let stand 5 minutes)
1/2 cup oil
1 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
frozen berries (blueberries, raspberries, or blackberries) or chocolate chips
Walnuts, lightly toasted in oven for about 5-10 minutes

Buttermilk Berry Muffins: Preheat oven to 190 degrees C. Roast walnuts. Position rack in center of oven. Line with paper liners/oil muffin cups.
In a bowl whisk together the egg, buttermilk, oil, and vanilla extract. 
In another large bowl sift the flour, splenda, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and zest. Gently fold in the berries and walnuts or chocolate chips etc. Fold the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir until the ingredients are just combined. Do not over mix the batter. 
Fill each muffin cup almost full with batter. Place in the oven and bake about 20 - 25 minutes. Store in airtight container to keep moist.

Friday, February 17, 2012

I'm off to attend a wedding tomorrow, I can't wait! Our weddings last three or four days and we're flying to a relative's house a little early to spend some quality time playing cards and such...then we have a music event which flows into a cocktail party, then the wedding the next day, then the reception. Some of my outfits are so heavily embroidered I can't stand in them for more than about 30 minutes because they weigh me down! Anyway that's the highlight of life right now, so much packing though :( .  Recently made one very very successful batch of cupcakes from scratch, but unfortunately they were accompanied by two not-so-great batches...gotta keep working on those. 
chocolate frosting...


Despite my earlier claim that I stay away from sweets and particularly chocolate, I've developed a recent vice that confuses me as much as it does my mom (I swear I don't know where this sudden craving has come from)..I'm absolutely addicted to chocolate frosting. Not with anything, just frosting. Thus, my Valentine's Day:



Got my nails blinged out for the upcoming events (though knowing me they're gonna last like this for about two days tops before they start chipping)


And, speaking of bling, recently spotted this gem - I have never seen a solid gold, painfully shiny car before.


Legitimately blinding
I shall be internetless for the next two weeks unfortunately, but I'm sure my many many followers will survive without my constant blogging. Fear not, imaginary audience! I will return! I have a new bucket list in life...I can't say these are all incredible but damn I want to go to a whole lot of these...seeing as how the closest one is Beijing, maybe that's the one to aim for. Check it out: http://flavorwire.com/254434/the-20-most-beautiful-bookstores-in-the-world

 I shall end this ramble with a quote of the day. I swear this week's Modern Family is something I expect from my college friends one day! Actually most all of my best friends around..I can see a whole lot of this episode coming true in my life. Sort of how I feel about Always Sunny in Philadelphia too...that shit is Priceless, capital P. Anyway back to the quote... Someone in my life will someday drunkenly admit as Claire did: "I make really good babies. I have, like, magic eggs or something" 

Oh and a special thanks to my dear friend Ange who, instead of joining in on the 'toilet humor' (i use humor loosely) aka just-sayin'-hi-pictures-of-us-and-our-toilets train, sent me this video that may be one of the cutest thing I have ever received...
Thanks love!! 

Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentine's Nails

Can't say I'm the biggest lover of Valentine's Day (I prefer the bloody beheading story of Saint Valentine...until good ole Chaucer stepped in I suppose) but I do love getting my nails done here, and the manicurist today suggested a little design on my pinky to celebrate the upcoming holiday:

Happy Valentine's lovebirds
I usually hate hearts but found this pretty cute. Also this green is becoming one of my favorite colors it's just so...bright!

The other one I quite liked that I've had done recently is a little more Hawaiian to my mind:

My hands are so ugly but focus on the flowers por favor
Well I plan to celebrate Valentine's with some self-pity and my latest rare sweet indulgence: straight frosting. I enjoy every little calorie I've been licking straight off the spoon (and surprisingly, it's chocolate frosting) but it's just SO GOOD. Hope everyone  has a great day!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Stoned Sheep

While I'm on a picture roll, here are some asian culinary 'treats'...

Mmmm...fungus..


This is what I go to Hong Kong for.

These next pictures are a Mongolian specialty called Khorkhog. What is it? Well, basically, a sheep gets stoned. Really, really stoned.  *Warning* these following pictures aren't exactly the most appetizing..

Baa-baa Black Sheep no longer has any wool.
First, we begin with the sheep. Sorry, Mary, the lamb's found his calling. Here's our guy to the right. I call him Black.







I am Black's Disembodied Intestine




They say it's what's on the inside that counts.


I know, we really regretted giving this up..





I know it's shocking but we weren't overly interested in the delicacy, which entails all manner of entrails. The chefs kept that for themselves. Oh, here's a fun thought: condoms are sometimes made of this. THIS.
They say you shouldn't air your dirty laundry in public, but your skinned sheep is totally fine:


And finally they cut up the meat and cook it in a special way - with stones that have been heated in a fire. They're put in the pot together with vegetables and water and the heat from the stones cooks everything until we have the final product:
Voila! Meat to the left ^
Unique yeah, but to me it tasted like boiled meat. Cool to take pictures of, not something I care to repeat though. Moving on to the meat market - some pictures from Mercury (we choose to shop elsewhere for our dead animals), the place where most people get both meat and their vegetables:
This little piggie went to market














The next time someone threatens to cut off your tongue, don't take them too lightly. These cow's pissed someone off big time. And yes, those are their kidneys next to them...


Well, come on down and join us for a meal. Oh and on your way out, don't forget,

This is a legitimate concern in India

More pikchas


 Some oldies...
Where's the fashion police?

Obviously with India's population, the cops have to stand out from the crowds - so what better way than to ride around on something that looks like...well, this?

















We like to get unique with our road signs too:





Some cocktail menus from Bangkok:

Mary got her name legally changed...

And Iceland now has it's very own drink

And finally, an ominous warning sign from Hong Kong



My pictures are worth about two words...

And the two words are "randomly entertaining". Can't you tell my pricey undergraduate degree in english has really given me a way with words? I can't seem to go a day without turning down several hopeful employers. Sorry guys, I've got too much talent to be tied down to a job that pays me real money!

A little trip to the Korean-we-carry-everything-store had me snapping pictures of all these precious little items as I casually slid away from the store clerks who seemed to be following me...I just didn't want to get stuck in that awkward position where you can neither understand nor answer the probably-awkwarder questions the staff asks in a different language. Seriously, life is hard. Presenting some wonderful ways to waste your money...


Now you can be a baller too
 Wish you were a little bit taller? Can't help you. Wish you were a baller? Good news!

For the record, I totally wanted to buy this just to say I owned a fruit baller. I'm sure people use it (google shows that melon ballers are a particular favorite) but man I just think it looks like fun.











Are you bored of your seaweed looking like...well, boring old seaweed? Well now you can liven up your lunchbox with this handy little device! Pick from several different exciting shapes like heart, stars and what appears to be an entire pig's head. Order now, and we'll throw in an ambiguous rabbithead/peacesign ab-so-lute-ly free!







The smiling Babe brings to mind another little favorite of mine that I find a lot around these parts, the real cheerful pig head. Given the size of the grin, I'm guessing this is the one whose house was made of bricks...unfortunately for piggie numbero tres, consumerism has managed what the big bad wolf couldn't. RIP, my porky little friend. Now, who's up for some bacon?






No more boo-boos slicing carrots and cucumbers; future chefs have no fear, the vegetable clamp is here! This little baby ensures your kitchen stays cut-free and blood-free. Disclaimer: the vegetable clamper is not responsible for any injuries caused to your dignity.







And finally, this I actually had to buy as it cost me about a dollar. Perfect dumplings every time..now I need to perfect the actual wrappers as they have been turning out a tad too thick. Of course if they turn out well enough to feed to other people, I'm going to hide this mold and pretend I'm just that good. Naturally.


 And finally, this little charmer was spotted an hour ago by mi madre:

Thank god, because for a minute there I was getting worried


Monday, February 6, 2012

Oh Asia..


VISA ISSUES SUCK. Seriously. So over it.
As I mentioned to my darling friend just before leaving, deep in my rather embarrassing mind I liked comparing myself to one of those princesses that was whisked away from danger and put on a train to anywhere with guards and jewels. Unfortunately, I was really boarding a train to the middle of absolutely nowhere with a plump, fairly boring, passable-English speaking thirty-ish year old woman as my guardian. There wasn’t much danger besides death from that silent assassin, boredom. No, this wasn’t punishment (although I do wonder…) it was necessity.
Well the next week was possibly the most sleep I have ever constantly had. I’m talking midnight to nine, two to six daily for lack of absolutely ANYthing to do. We were sharing a room to keep expenses down but goddam this city had NOTHING. Everything was closed thanks to a certain occasion being celebrated, and as the cuisine is a personal favorite of mine I had been hoping for decent fare, but no, absolutely not. Another new experience: I have never eaten fried chicken for six days in a row before. Nor have I been to the same few shops daily when I had nothing to buy whatsoever. Life’s all about new experiences – well frankly, you can skip these if they’re on your list. Thank god I really, really, really like fried chicken. My guardian claimed she had been here plenty and knew the shops and restaurants but surprise surprise, from the very beginning she said the hotel she knew had shut down as had, over the course of the next week, all the shops and restaurants. Suspicious hm?
So we were left with me, this lady and my computer. Thank god for the computer, but explaining certain words to a thirty-ish year old woman can be slightly uncomfortable. Maybe it was my fault to pick movies like Love Actually, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the largely thought/question-provoking 40 Year Old Virgin, but at her repeated insistence for a “Romance movie” and my collection of guys-in-college-gathered Kick-Ass, Fight Club, Batman type movies, I didn’t have all that much to go on. I didn’t exactly fill my external hard drive with chick flicks since I had no intention of entertaining. So eliminating anything with too complex a plot (I was not explaining the Butterfly Effect though I did watch that for the first time ever and loved it! Nor Midnight in Paris although that movie certainly has a new take on romance), scattered accents (my ever-favorite Snatch) or too much blood (Tonight we dine in Hell ring a bell?), we ended up with the films I mentioned above. The only one I really answered questions for, to be fair, was the 40 Year Old Virgin because that was enough to weird me out and put on my headphones for all future flicks. The first couple of questions were perfectly fine, and with a younger sibling I’ve had to answer certain ones before. “What is crush?” was a piece of cake, especially after she had just divulged every scrap of information pertaining to her newly forming boyfriend. Which, by the way, was a strange mix of girlfriends-sleepover-gossip mixed with the feeling of unfamiliarity of a complete stranger. Anyway, the one that prodded me to put on headphones for the rest – the innocently phrased “What is Chlamydia?” Er... Sexually Transmitted Disease was simple enough (usually I would have insisted on saying Infection, but I had the feeling the politically correct version may not have spread to this side of the world yet,  even if the infections themselves had) and I just agreed when she asked “Like AIDS?”. AIDS is a relatively new phenomenon here and thus every form in this bloody nation, be it for university, volunteer work, actual employment, whatever, requires constant HIV testing. Yeah I’m a tad bitter because I am absolutely terrified of needles and it’s not like they need it once every six months – they seem to ask for it whenever the mood strikes. Anyway, not wanting to get into the nitty gritty oh-so-appetizing details of Chlamydia, the headphones came on. 

On a lighter note, some "highlights" of the trip: 

funny ass condoms
Isn't he adorable?




















Woof!



And the titillating bathroom wall in our last hotel (it was the last night once we crossed over the border)


Damn it's good to be home. Although, of course, after one whole week of hell (on the very last day I found out my companion speaks to God, in her head, on a regular basis and of course like EVERYone I seem to encounter these days, is homophobic....) I still came home without the visa I went for. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

Pining for a recipe?

Pineapple Cheesecake
This was the first cheesecake I tried with my own recipe and it's still one of the favorites. It's probably what I would have made for mom since her birthday is this weekend..if I had been here. First time in four bloody years that I'm not in college and I can be home for her birthday, but now I can't - because of some dumb as hell visa complication, and the fact that this country will make your life difficult just to do so (that's how it feels anyway), I have to leave the night before her birthday and miss it. The first time I made this cake and everyone loved it I was oh-so-unbelievably proud...it was the first time I baked and I'm not really sure why I did it at all. I told mom i wanted to learn how to cook for college, and she said well sure but why don't you bake a cheesecake, ask Sohni (one of my best friends ever and the most amazing baker in the world) for her recipe. Actually, I guess the first time I really baked was a bit disastrous - it certainly was a cheesecake but due to the lack of philadelphia cream cheese that the recipe called for (those were the days it wasn't available anywhere), the cream cheese was so dense, the cake felt like it was attacking your insides. After struggling past a mouthful and deciding I had no reason to be polite to myself and chucking the rest in the bin, I decided to figure out a method to thin it...sour cream worked like magic. So the first successful cheesecake was the one above. Now that my blog has been completely taken over by fairly unattractive photographs of these goods, I feel like the recipes should be shared.


The base I use for all my cheesecakes is pretty much the same. Much of this came from my friend's recipe, but several things were tweaked to comply with the harsh conditions (poor Mihi) of my current home.


Crust:

  • Roughly 10-15 sugar cookies
  • 3-4 Tablespoons melted butter
Filling:
**All these should be room temperature, so make sure you give the cream cheese and sour cream some time to warm up before adding them**

  • Roughly 6 oz cream cheese
  • 1/3 cup sugar (or Splenda)
  • 1 egg
  • 4 oz of sour cream
  • ¼ cup flour
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 2 tsp lemon juice 

Directions:
Crust Directions:
1. (Pull out filling ingredients so they can warm up from fridge while you do this). Pulse cookies until crumbled completely. Depending on what you want here, I add coconut shreds (after crushing them completely) to the lemon cheesecake, and once in a while I throw in some chocolate / chocolate chip cookies for a slightly different flavor. Crushed nuts add a nice flavor too. Mix in butter so when you make a fist the cookie crumbles hold together, grease pan then press onto bottom and up the sides of the pan a bit; sometimes I get lazy and don't bother going up the sides, it doesn't matter much. You can also throw this in the oven for a few minutes before putting it in the fridge if you like, but I've noticed this doesn't make too much of a difference either, so I usually put it straight in the refrigerator while making the filling.
Cheesecake Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit*

1. All the filling ingredients should be at room temperature i.e. cream cheese and sour cream.
2. Beat the cream cheese until light and fluffy with an electric mixer set on low.
3. Add the sugar a little at a time and continue beating until creamy.
4. Add one egg at a time and beat after each egg.
5. Add flour, vanilla and lemon juice, mix well. For the chocolate cake, I skip the vanilla essence.
6. Add the sour cream and beat well.
This is the basic batter. From here it depends on what type of cake you're making. For the lemon cheesecake, I add more lemon juice and grate some lemon zest into the batter. For the pineapple, I strain crushed pineapple pieces (haven't seen fresh pineapple here ever), chop them up and mix those in. For chocolate, I melt semi sweet chocolate chips and any chocolate bars around the house and stir those in; I add a tiny bit of milk to help stir it in easily. I tend to add some Hershey's chocolate syrup too, mostly for the fun of it (who doesn't love pouring syrup into things?). For berry I grate some lemon zest in, and prepare the berry filling on the stove (see below)then swirl that in - pour a bit, mix with a knife, keep repeating till you get a cool-ass texture that people find impressive.
8. Pour your cream cheese mixture into the crusted (ew, that sounds pretty gross, but you know what I mean) pan.
9. Place in the oven until the sides look baked and the middle isn't completely set. Just jiggle it a bit, but basically the edges should look done. A lot of recipes say you need a pan of water and such shenanigans, but until I'm opening a bakery this works pretty well. The cheesecake continues to set/cook in the fridge/after you take it out of the oven so don't worry about it.
10. Remove from oven and let cool, then refrigerate for about 24 hours to get the full effect. Seriously, cheesecake is always better after about 12 hours minimum...I know what I'm talking about, don't test me bitches.

Strawberry marble filling: defrost frozen berries and puree (I use about 6-7 frozen blackberries and that's usually enough). Add about 1/4 cup of sugar (taste to make sure it's sweet enough as the berries can be very strong in flavor), tablespoon of corn starch and a bit of water, put it over stove and let it bubble till it's thick, then cool. Mix into the cream cheese mix, one layer cream cheese then dots of swirled berry (with knife) repeatedly.

*DISCLAIMER! Actually, it more of a claim, no dis nor er. Anyway point being: I use Splenda instead of sugar for most of my recipes as my mom is diabetic. The berry was the most effective at hiding the sweetener aftertaste that sometimes pokes it's nasty head through, since the flavors of both the berries and the lemon zest were strong enough to mask that subtle too-sweet-almost-tastes-like-poison flavor. The above measurement work for sugar too though, since every time I bake for a party or someone else I use sugar. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

#ThirdWorldProblems

Blackberry Marble Cheesecake
I may technically live in a third world country, but it really feels closer to fourth or fifth and 'developing' may be a stretch. Okay maybe that's a little unfair; even in the last year there have been small improvements, like people actually removing ice off the roads once they freeze over. Take the cheesecake above, however. Cream cheese is found at a large market that sells quite literally EVERYthing food related under one roof, and we pay roughly $20 for a kilogram. Philadelphia cream cheese? I wish. It's about $20 for 8oz, no kidding. And that's when you can find it, which is about once every three or four months. I don't even eat cheesecake so there's no way I'm spending that much on cream cheese for other people, I'm really not that nice. Luckily most other ingredients are available - except fresh berries. The only time I've seen berries here, they were the small boxes that you get in grocery stores in the US (you know, the plastic ones that have just enough berries for a small snack and leave you still-hungry), and I kid you not, those blueberries were $40. Forty goddam dollars. And yes, of course I'm converting to USD. So fresh berries in my cheesecake? Fuck no. Frozen it is. The chocolate and this were the crowd favorites, but of course the empty bottles of cabernet and whiskey makes for a very complimentary crowd either way.
It's pretty interesting living in a place where you can only get certain items at certain times of year. And I don't mean mango season for mangoes - I mean everything from cereals to walnuts. If you find a cereal you like, you better pick that shit up right then and there, and stock up too. The way food items are brought in is in bulk - in fact the most common brand for anything American is Kirkland (yup, I'm talkin Costco here) - and once the shipment comes in, the city is flooded with that item for a month or so. Honey nuts cereal the latest shipment? You will find it EVERYwhere. But the second it runs out, so does your luck. You have no idea when it will be available again, if ever. It's fun to try and bake/cook with substitutions though - keeps life interesting in the middle of nowhere. You know what we never run out of though? Check it out ->

No, this isn't a liquor store. This is every supermarket in the city. The part that really tickles me though, is that the alcohol is the only thing that has security tags on it. And a part of the supermarket, on the second floor, is a proper shop that sells furs that cost up to USD 1000...those don't have security tags. Only the booze does.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

When Life Gives You...

Lemon cheesecake with coconut crust, topped with lemon rinds
The lemon rinds were, unfortunately, far less attractive than I had hoped. Once I figured out how i wanted the strips of detergent-smelling skin (why is it that so many dishwasher/laundry detergents smell lemony fresh? It's a bit nauseating and totally ruins real lemon flavored things since all I can think of is clean underwear), I didn't really know how to arrange them. After a ten minute glaring contest with the smooth yellow surface, the unblinking cake won and I decided to just lay them on and stick it in the fridge so it would be out of sight. After all, when life hands you lemons...i guess you make lemonade and don't deal with the damn peel.

Speaking of life's lemons, I had a regular traumatic experience today. What does that mean? It means I go through this event on a regular basis, but it's still pretty damn traumatic. Poor Mihi.  If I ever get married or am in a relationship, I know one thing we will not be doing together - getting haircuts.
I think it may be one of the most disconcerting repeated activities of our lives. I went through a phase in high school when I really wanted to shave my hair off completely but everyone I knew (and our school was TINY) promised they would disown me. As much as I wanted to experiment, I wasn't ready to be that bald girl with no friends just yet, so the hair stayed. Pity. I still want to do it but the closest I get to visualizing it is on a hairdresser's chair. When I have a horrendous amount of money I can't spend, I'm going to employ someone to wash my hair for me every morning. That part is heaven - the trouble starts when you return to the spin-able high chair that makes you feel like you're six again since your feet can't touch the floor. The wet hair can look a bit sexy, the comb-through, sure, but then it goes one of two ways - either it's almost all put up and you look bloated and masculine (well, I do) or they put it up in a bunch of clips and you look like an anime Sailor Moon style person. Of course, it doesn't help when you're mom is waiting in the back saying "wow, you look like a man!" Thanks, mom. The really unsettling part though, in my humble (ok maybe not too humble) opinion is the fact that you have to stare at yourself for the entirety of the haircut. I mean, you can close your eyes, but then you look really strange to anyone else in the parlor. Plus you don't want the hairdresser to think you can't see them....you keep your eye on those scissors as they snip away your painfully grown out inches of not-so-luscious locks. So there you are, watching yourself. I like using the time to practice raising my eyebrows, one at a time, and carefully observe each and every flaw on my face (man there are way too many). The question is, what else can you do? It's quite an earth-shattering moment as you realize you are not quite as good-looking as you had hoped. Nobody should have to stare at their own face for so long, in my opinion; especially under fluorescent lights that highlight each bump on your skin. It just isn't nice and it isn't doing anyone any good whatsoever. By the time the hair stylist asks me if my hair looks okay, I'm too excited to get away from my own reflection to do more than glance at the handheld mirror and nod my satisfaction. Really, anything to get away from myself by that point.
Thank god I'm really good-looking - even if I look like a man without the hair, I'm a good-looking man. I think if I was really ugly, I'd stop getting haircuts altogether. I had a dream a few nights ago where I was looking at myself and said to someone 'I read somewhere that we all think we're five times better looking than we are in reality.' Shit, I woke up terrified. Thank god I still look good terrified. I wonder if unattractive people know the truth about themselves - are we socially obligated to inform them of the harsh reality, or is ignorance really bliss? Man, life can be so tough sometimes. 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Chill Thoroughly Before Serving


Chocolate Cheesecake topped with semi-sweet chocolate chips, chocolate syrup and shaved dark chocolate bits


The first one to be baked was a dark chocolate, both the color of our skin and one of the first instances of my grandmother's hatred. Maybe hatred was too strong a word - or maybe it burned down to slight dislike as the years passed and she realized I wasn't going anywhere. Well, at least not until after her. Even if hatred was too intense to describe her attitude towards me, it was ideal for her demeanor towards my poor mother. Why my mother tried to please her in the first place is beyond me. I wasn't going to try to please her; she trapped me in the house each afternoon when all I wanted to do was play in the sun with the servant's children. At the age of nine, tanning is hardly the end of the world. When I was younger I decided she was just a mean woman, or she didn't like children. There were people like that, Roald Dahl had assured me. In fact if I met more of them, maybe I would be able to move things with my mind too! Matilda was a lucky girl. Of course when my brother came along six years later, chubby and cheerful, my grandmother's affection proved my theories wrong. I would have been jealous if only I cared more. Instead I decided she only liked males, since my father, brother and grandfather were the lucky ones, and I could live without her approval - I'd been doing fine so far. My mother still laughs whenever she tells me the story, and I had to admit I find it pretty amusing too. I was a child, after all.
She walked into the living room and there was my grandmother on the rocking chair. In retrospect, I'm not sure why we had a rocking chair back then, but it stuck with us for a few years. I remember falling off it once and scaring my mother half to death with my screams. Anyway, it really creates the perfect setting for this story, although we didn't have a cat for her to stroke as she rocked back and forth. So there she was, and as soon as my mother walks into the living room (where yours truly is innocently toying with her latest Barbies) her voice slices through the air. No really, if it could have physically sliced, my mother would have required a few stitches.
"Why are you turning her against me?"
"I'm sorry, what?" Confusion clouding mother's face, anger darkening the rocking grandmother's. Rock, rock. For the effect of the story, let's pretend it was creaking. Creeeak, creeak.
"You are turning her against me!"
She can't help it; mother's fighting a smile. Still no idea what is going on, so rather than repeat this a few times she just waits.
"Mihi asked me why I'm so chocolate. So chocolate! I know this is your doing!" Oh dear, the hysterical pitch was hit.
Poor, fair (she's not too chocolate herself - definitely getting darker as time passes, but way back when she was mistaken for Italian a lot) mother pulls me away to 'berate' a very confused four-year-old Mihi; but really, to leave the creaking, croaking crone and laugh. I was a curious child and hadn't yet experienced the Indian shame of being dark-skinned just yet. Innocent little Mihi. Oh the years to come would teach me all right, especially since I was the darkest of the family (woe is me!) but ignorance was no excuse; that was the fateful day my grandmother decided I was on my mother's side. Oops.
Nearly twenty years later, I quite like being brown - I don't need no tanning beds, Snooks. This, however, just may be the reason I still don't eat chocolate. Or maybe I just don't like the feeling of being in love.

Put in Oven for Twenty Two Years

There they sat, four cheesecake portrayals of my life. 

Imperfect, yet trying oh-so-hard to look professional and pretty. After all, it isn't where you come from or what you're made of as long as you look good, right? As my favorite mug used to say (thank you mom for the gift) -

"BEAUTY: If you're beautiful on the outside, nobody cares what you're like on the inside."

Just kidding! Well, sort of.

So after roughly seven hours of oven heat, a few "you remind me of your grandmother when you're in the kitchen, you make such a mess, there is batter everywhere" exasperated mother grumbles, and a few burnt fingers (chocolate chips can heat up really fast), I had my life set out on the table, all ready for the following day's dinner party.




Clockwise from left: Lemon cheesecake with coconut crust (lemon rinds didn't turn out as pretty as I had hoped but once I cut them I couldn't quite figure out how I wanted to arrange them), Blackberry marble cheesecake, Pineapple cheesecake and Chocolate cheesecake.
Okay so maybe the one year of photography in high school didn't do all that much, but I also just got lazy and used the closest camera I had...which was not a camera but a cellular device. I wasn't planning on starting a blog, and honestly, who walks an extra ten feet just to pick up a real camera? Clearly not this girl.
I really, really hope people like cheesecake. A lot.
Because I don't really eat desserts.
Yeah, seriously. Go figure.