Beijing Bitchess

My room has 4 walls. They're great too.

Our family loves loves loves to travel...but not exactly the touristy things. For example, going to Beijing means food food food and shopping...well same for almost everywhere we go. Had to do the major attraction of course - the (not so) Great Wall. I guess we're just bad tourists but bloody hell that was a waste of time and energy. I think it's cool to read about, probably cool to look at from space, but seeing as how I'm not heading up to space anytime soon, really not that incredible. We thought we wasted an afternoon that would have been better spent in the city. We also did the street of bizarre foods that everyone goes to with the scorpions but mom wasn't keen on having me eat street food and honestly everyone says the locals don't eat most of that anyway, it's just a tourist attraction, so that was pretty so-so.

But, some of the cooler things...

• Gourmet Soy Sauce that costs (yes, this was the cheaper one), ready for it - Fifteen freaking hundred dollars (USD of course). There was a whole shop and they came in the most beautiful bottles! Sadly my parents weren't buying it..neither the sauce nor my not-so-persuasive arguments. Although mom agreed the bottles were totally worth it when you have that kind of money to spend on things like soy sauce. I would totally buy that some day.

AND ICE CREAM

I LOVE SORBETS

• The most incredible haagen dazs ice cream creations: you have to realize, my current country of residence doesn't have haagen dazs or baskin robbins or any of those lovely parlors. But these really were beautiful! I love ice cream and usually avoid it but just look at em...mmm.

• A strange food that essentially tasted just like beef in my opinion: Donkey meat 

Sorry, Eeyore

• The most disgusting-looking, out-there food that (dare I admit it?) actually tasted pretty damn good. It was so unappetizing in appearance I had to close my eyes for the first bite and couldn't eat much even though I liked the flavor cause I kept thinking of what it was...ready for it? Ready, ready? This may be one reason I am single forever but I told myself I'm going to try things...readdddyyy:

Fried Mealworms! I know, but they were crunchy and the flavor was subtle and amazing...

And finally, my two favorite people in Beijing: KICK ASS Asian Michael Jackson (who was doing this not for money so I think for fun..there was a camera and a dude but I still don't quite know why this was happening):

And and the thought provoking Constantly-Nodding-Without-Music Cab Driver.

Besides this there was the constant Peking Duck (HEAVENNNNNNN) and fresh fish (AAAAAH) and an absurd number of shoes. All in all, a fantastic first trip to china!

Muffin MADNESS

So I have been extremely, undeniably and inexplicably lazy about blogging - which is weird since I started this so I would have something to do and it's not like the activity level in my life has suddenly gone up...anyway, the wedding was amazing etc etc and more importantly I made the the best muffins. No seriously, they are legen...wait for it....dairy. Yeah I've been watching a lot of HIMYM lately (dairy...muffins..see what I did there?) Mommy's diabetic and loves sweet things so she loves the citrus-berry walnut muffins and I just made my first batch of Bacon-cheese (yeah, only Bacon deserves to be capitalized totally done on purpose) muffins! Delectable.
Also been making a bunch of pies and my apple pie, which first made over summer, is pretty fantastic as is the lemon tart I tried earlier this week. Apple pie and ice cream oh dear lord is probably one of my favorite sweet things in the world. And as mentioned before, I usually lean towards savory, but goddam ice cream is a weakness and with a good apple pie - Ooh La La. This is that pie. Anywho for a dinner party this weekend I'm making those so those will have their own post and OH I make amazing pizza which shall also be made this weekend as a little appetizer. I'm in a very good place self-confidence-wise these days, can ya tell? What can I say, there's a reason my two recipe documents are labeled The Bakinator and Mongolia's Next Top Chef. Yeah, that's right. Most recipes deemed worthy of writing down begin with Bombass: Bombass Apple Pie, Bombass Lemon Tart, you get the idea.
So, check out my Bombass muffinzzzzzz!

Unbaked sugarfree lemon berry walnut muffins 

I need to come up with a name for these: sugarfree lemon berry walnut muffins is quite a mouthful (see what I did there? haha)

MMMM

Choc Chip Muffin Batter

BACON CHEESE OHMYGOD 

i love me (although my body may not feel quite the same way)

Whatever, my body can hate me cause my tastebuds don't give a rat's ass. So so so effing good.

BUTTERMILK MUFFINS

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup splenda

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

Zest of one lemon and a little of an orange

1 large egg, lightly beaten

1 cup buttermilk (1cup milk + 1 tbsp white vinegar – let stand 5 minutes)

1/2 cup oil

1 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

frozen berries (blueberries, raspberries, or blackberries) or chocolate chips

Walnuts, lightly toasted in oven for about 5-10 minutes

Buttermilk Berry Muffins: Preheat oven to 190 degrees C. Roast walnuts. Position rack in center of oven. Line with paper liners/oil muffin cups.

In a bowl whisk together the egg, buttermilk, oil, and vanilla extract. 

In another large bowl sift the flour, splenda, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and zest. Gently fold in the berries and walnuts or chocolate chips etc. Fold the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir until the ingredients are just combined. Do not over mix the batter. 

Fill each muffin cup almost full with batter. Place in the oven and bake about 20 - 25 minutes. Store in airtight container to keep moist.

I'm off to attend a wedding tomorrow, I can't wait! Our weddings last three or four days and we're flying to a relative's house a little early to spend some quality time playing cards and such...then we have a music event which flows into a cocktail party, then the wedding the next day, then the reception. Some of my outfits are so heavily embroidered I can't stand in them for more than about 30 minutes because they weigh me down! Anyway that's the highlight of life right now, so much packing though :( .  Recently made one very very successful batch of cupcakes from scratch, but unfortunately they were accompanied by two not-so-great batches...gotta keep working on those. 

chocolate frosting...

Despite my earlier claim that I stay away from sweets and particularly chocolate, I've developed a recent vice that confuses me as much as it does my mom (I swear I don't know where this sudden craving has come from)..I'm absolutely addicted to chocolate frosting. Not with anything, just frosting. Thus, my Valentine's Day:

Got my nails blinged out for the upcoming events (though knowing me they're gonna last like this for about two days tops before they start chipping)

And, speaking of bling, recently spotted this gem - I have never seen a solid gold, painfully shiny car before.

Legitimately blinding

I shall be internetless for the next two weeks unfortunately, but I'm sure my many many followers will survive without my constant blogging. Fear not, imaginary audience! I will return! I have a new bucket list in life...I can't say these are all incredible but damn I want to go to a whole lot of these...seeing as how the closest one is Beijing, maybe that's the one to aim for. Check it out: http://flavorwire.com/254434/the-20-most-beautiful-bookstores-in-the-world

 I shall end this ramble with a quote of the day. I swear this week's Modern Family is something I expect from my college friends one day! Actually most all of my best friends around..I can see a whole lot of this episode coming true in my life. Sort of how I feel about Always Sunny in Philadelphia too...that shit is Priceless, capital P. Anyway back to the quote... Someone in my life will someday drunkenly admit as Claire did: "I make really good babies. I have, like, magic eggs or something" 

Oh and a special thanks to my dear friend Ange who, instead of joining in on the 'toilet humor' (i use humor loosely) aka just-sayin'-hi-pictures-of-us-and-our-toilets train, sent me this video that may be one of the cutest thing I have ever received...

Thanks love!! 

Valentine's Nails

Can't say I'm the biggest lover of Valentine's Day (I prefer the bloody beheading story of Saint Valentine...until good ole Chaucer stepped in I suppose) but I do love getting my nails done here, and the manicurist today suggested a little design on my pinky to celebrate the upcoming holiday:

Happy Valentine's lovebirds

I usually hate hearts but found this pretty cute. Also this green is becoming one of my favorite colors it's just so...bright!

The other one I quite liked that I've had done recently is a little more Hawaiian to my mind:

My hands are so ugly but focus on the flowers por favor

Well I plan to celebrate Valentine's with some self-pity and my latest rare sweet indulgence: straight frosting. I enjoy every little calorie I've been licking straight off the spoon (and surprisingly, it's chocolate frosting) but it's just SO GOOD. Hope everyone  has a great day!

Stoned Sheep

While I'm on a picture roll, here are some asian culinary 'treats'...

Mmmm...fungus..

This is what I go to Hong Kong for.

These next pictures are a Mongolian specialty called Khorkhog. What is it? Well, basically, a sheep gets stoned. Really, really stoned.  *Warning* these following pictures aren't exactly the most appetizing..

Baa-baa Black Sheep no longer has any wool.

First, we begin with the sheep. Sorry, Mary, the lamb's found his calling. Here's our guy to the right. I call him Black.

I am Black's Disembodied Intestine

They say it's what's on the inside that counts.

I know, we really regretted giving this up..

I know it's shocking but we weren't overly interested in the delicacy, which entails all manner of entrails. The chefs kept that for themselves. Oh, here's a fun thought: condoms are sometimes made of this. THIS.

They say you shouldn't air your dirty laundry in public, but your skinned sheep is totally fine:

And finally they cut up the meat and cook it in a special way - with stones that have been heated in a fire. They're put in the pot together with vegetables and water and the heat from the stones cooks everything until we have the final product:

Voila! Meat to the left ^

Unique yeah, but to me it tasted like boiled meat. Cool to take pictures of, not something I care to repeat though. Moving on to the meat market - some pictures from Mercury (we choose to shop elsewhere for our dead animals), the place where most people get both meat and their vegetables:

This little piggie went to market

The next time someone threatens to cut off your tongue, don't take them too lightly. These cow's pissed someone off big time. And yes, those are their kidneys next to them...

Well, come on down and join us for a meal. Oh and on your way out, don't forget,

This is a legitimate concern in India

More pikchas

 Some oldies...

Where's the fashion police?

Obviously with India's population, the cops have to stand out from the crowds - so what better way than to ride around on something that looks like...well, this?

















We like to get unique with our road signs too:

Some cocktail menus from Bangkok:

Mary got her name legally changed...

And Iceland now has it's very own drink

And finally, an ominous warning sign from Hong Kong

My pictures are worth about two words...

And the two words are "randomly entertaining". Can't you tell my pricey undergraduate degree in english has really given me a way with words? I can't seem to go a day without turning down several hopeful employers. Sorry guys, I've got too much talent to be tied down to a job that pays me real money!

A little trip to the Korean-we-carry-everything-store had me snapping pictures of all these precious little items as I casually slid away from the store clerks who seemed to be following me...I just didn't want to get stuck in that awkward position where you can neither understand nor answer the probably-awkwarder questions the staff asks in a different language. Seriously, life is hard. Presenting some wonderful ways to waste your money...

Now you can be a baller too

 Wish you were a little bit taller? Can't help you. Wish you were a baller? Good news!

For the record, I totally wanted to buy this just to say I owned a fruit baller. I'm sure people use it (google shows that melon ballers are a particular favorite) but man I just think it looks like fun.

Are you bored of your seaweed looking like...well, boring old seaweed? Well now you can liven up your lunchbox with this handy little device! Pick from several different exciting shapes like heart, stars and what appears to be an entire pig's head. Order now, and we'll throw in an ambiguous rabbithead/peacesign ab-so-lute-ly free!







The smiling Babe brings to mind another little favorite of mine that I find a lot around these parts, the real cheerful pig head. Given the size of the grin, I'm guessing this is the one whose house was made of bricks...unfortunately for piggie numbero tres, consumerism has managed what the big bad wolf couldn't. RIP, my porky little friend. Now, who's up for some bacon?






No more boo-boos slicing carrots and cucumbers; future chefs have no fear, the vegetable clamp is here! This little baby ensures your kitchen stays cut-free and blood-free. Disclaimer: the vegetable clamper is not responsible for any injuries caused to your dignity.







And finally, this I actually had to buy as it cost me about a dollar. Perfect dumplings every time..now I need to perfect the actual wrappers as they have been turning out a tad too thick. Of course if they turn out well enough to feed to other people, I'm going to hide this mold and pretend I'm just that good. Naturally.


 And finally, this little charmer was spotted an hour ago by mi madre:

Thank god, because for a minute there I was getting worried